Why do we become more vulnerable with age? I always looked forward to growing up, hoping I would get rid of my naiveté, my need to please, my quest to belong, my constant and obsessive fear of losing the ones I love. I was hoping that the betrayals, breakups, losses, deceptions, failures and disappointments I have experienced would teach me to be more careful, more skeptical, more reserved and more private. I was certain that with time I would finally realise that living a low profile and quiet life was the secret to happiness. I really wanted to reach that point where I would choose who to allow into my life more carefully. That I would take my time before jumping into new relationships. That the days that pass would allow me to differentiate the genuine from the fake, the real from the glitter, the simple from the extravagant…
But I learnt nothing. I became even more vulnerable with time. Because I confused strength and maturity with the ridiculous fear of others when I found myself completely excluding myself from the known world as a reaction. Living in my own cocoon was comfortable. And when no longer in touch with people, I didn’t risk to be hurt. When I told my secret to none, I avoided betrayal. When I stopped writing my life on this blog, I put an end to various rumours and speculations about various things in my life.
But this is how I stopped living. Yes, I successfully got rid of everything that could hurt a person. But I also successfully got rid of everything that makes life worth living for. And mostly, I was going against my true self. Because I also realised along the way that I will never change my nature, the fact that my life has always been an open book and the reality that deep in my heart, I genuinely believe that people are good and that their presence in my life is essential.
Yes I can wear a jacket, leather boots, gloves, a hat, oversized sunglasses and an armor to walk anonymously in the streets of Soho wandering with serenity and inner peace, with for only companion my thoughts and my illusions. But I would feel heavy and lost. I’d rather be surrounded with a crazy bunch of people whom I can share, laugh, discuss, plan, dream and be silly with, without taking any precaution at all… And if deceptions are an inevitable part of life, then maybe I should start getting used to them.